C u r t i s   M c G o w n

 
After completing assessments on adolescents for a number of years, I have seen a particular category that has become quite distinct and without much variation.  This group of teenage girls tend to present as intelligent, creative, and gothic.  Many of them have acted out with cutting or other self-injury behavior.  They can tend toward drama, which mimics Bipolar, but I have noticed that many of them have traumatic stress related to sexual abuse of some type, and their triggered stress looks a great deal like mood swings or conduct disorder.  They tend to have compassion for those that are hurting.  They tend to have some type of social maturity that attracts older people with whom they like to relate, but they also have an immaturity somewhat like a young girl with a twisted perception of innocense.  If these girls become involved in drug abuse, it is usually alcohol or pain medication abuse, although many of them do not like feeling "out of control."  Many of them have a developed sense of their spirituality, although it can be somewhat confused.  This type of teenager is typically more responsive to attentive adults that do not relate to them as behavioral problems.  They appreciate those who do not overreact to their oddities, and they respond well to a great deal of understanding and sincere empathy.  These young ladies can be susceptible to being victimized or being taken advantage of, which is concerning.  They need help developing healthy boundaries and resolving internal conflicts usually related to their sexuality. 
 
 

Challenging children require a great deal of attention whether it is negative or positive.  This type of child seems to have an emotional tank that empties quickly.  Due to their high need for emotional energy, they have refined their tools to accumulate as much emotional energy as quickly as possible from those around them.  Their need for emotional energy can be filled with emotional intensity from others, which can be negative or positive.  It does not matter in one sense.  Children learn quickly that it is easier to elicit a high level of emotional intensity in negative form than in positive form.  Think about it for a second.  If you see your child doing something that they know is wrong, most parents are likely to react in an animated fashion, more than if they see their child doing something that they know is right.  The content of what is being said is not as important as the form in which it is being communicated to the child in order for it to meet the child’s “emotional need.”  Additionally, what ever we as parents “feed” with emotional energy, is what tends to “grow.” 

Children’s behavior is like plants in this respect.  If we give attention, food, water, and fertilizer to the weeds, then they will outgrow the flowers and eventually choke out the flowers.  If we water and fertilize the flowers, and starve the weeds, then we have a more fruitful garden, which only requires occasional weeding.  As parents focus their emotional energy on negative behavior in challenging children, the negative behavior tends to grow.  This is where challenging children differ from other types of children.  In the majority of children, receiving negative emotional energy while being corrected tends to decrease that negative behavior in that child, but this is not the case in the type of child that we are discussing.  Again, the emotional energy being received is more important to the child’s emotional need than what form it comes in.  With challenging children, it is important to feed the positive behavior that you want to cultivate in your child.  This requires getting excited and becoming animated frequently when you see your child doing what is expected of them.  Remember to feed what you want to see more of, and starve (emotionally ignore) what you don’t want to grow in your child.  

More to come on how to discipline and reward behavior with challenging children.

 
 

Transforming the Difficult Child is a helpful book for parenting challenging children.  There is a website, http://difficultchild.com/, for more information.  This approach has been a resource that I have utilized in working with families with children that have a variety of behavioral issues.  This is a good starting place for how to think about working with kids that are challenging and also some practical application in how to move forward in this process.



 
 

Throughout my experience as a counselor, there has been a consistent trend of a certain category of child.  I have seen successful, intelligent, and compassionate parents come to the edge of sanity trying to effectively parent and discipline a certain type of child.  This category of child is usually male, although it does not exclude females.  The category goes beyond Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder, although it can include these.  These children tend to increase their challenging behavior the more “good” parents pour on their “good” parenting skills.  Ironically, these very same parenting skills are typically successful with the other one to five children in the family but somehow backfire with this one special child.  These parents fluctuate from blaming themselves and feeling like failures to blaming this particular child and wondering if the babies were switched at the hospital.  Both of these extremes are typically not healthy or helpful for the family dynamic, nor are they actually true.

Let me describe a little about this particular type of child.  He tends to be physically active, seeks abundant attention, and will either argue or question every directive.  He will have tantrums or meltdowns (they look different as he gets older), which usually occur later in the day or evening.  He has difficulty multi-tasking and easily “forgets” anything that is not on his personal to-do/wish list.  This child can drain every emotional reservoir within 50 feet of him, but somehow he can still pull off a charming and likeable persona, which confuses the matter all the more.  These kids are fun and funny.  They are the guys that could take the party to the next level when they get older.  I will talk about these guys as they get older in another blog.  These kids sometimes have learning problems or at least they do not conform to the crowd in their learning styles.  They appear to be lazy in some areas of life but very motivated in other areas of life, such as an abiding commitment to watching television or playing video games.  If only marriages had the type of commitment and time investment that these kids have involved with visual stimulation.  These kids can be a blast and actually lead productive law-abiding lives (most of them anyways), but it does require an entirely different mindset and set of skills to nurture and guide them along the way.  Stay tuned for more about this new mindset and skill set.

 
 

As I interact with various individuals, I find myself picturing the thought bubble above their head, as in what their non-verbal communication would say if it were talking.  I sometimes wonder how people talk to themselves as well.  There are common themes underlying a variety of mental health or emotional problems, one of which, is how people treat themselves.  Many people view themselves with disdain.  They try to motivate themselves with fear, intimidation, and derogatory remarks.  They feel embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty that others might see their true self.  Not only do we treat ourselves poorly, we project that same perception on to others.  We perceive that others view us with the same disdain and embarrassment.  To differing degrees, we then react to others as if they held the same view of ourselves as we have, even if they do not.  This seems to be one of the greatest weapons of the “Deceiver” to keep us stuck in self-destructive patterns and broken relationships.


 
 

In a 3 day time period, I experienced

my computer crashing and burning.  Initially, it was exciting thinking about making a fresh start, but during to following hours I progressively realized all of the material that I had saved on my hard drive that was not backed up.  Years of collecting materials, resources, all gone. 

interviewing an illegal immigrant accused of abusing his infant.  My feelings ranged from disgust to sympathy, as I flirted with doubt of the allegations, to sadness as the reality set in.

talking with a woman who has a psychotic disorder.  the brokeness of humanity at its height.

soul connection conversation with my wife talking about God's calling and redemption in our lives individually and as a couple.  Excitement for the future. Contentment for the present.  Gratitude for the past.

an incredible dinner at Hot Olives.  One of our favorite special occasion restaurants in Winter Park.

itunes grace.  they allowed me to download all the music that I lost in my computer crash.  By the way, I am attempting to build the greatest collection of music possible that includes the greatest songs and excludes any fillers.  More about this in the future because I want suggestions.

the generosity of a good friend.  Making it possible for me to blog on my newly resurrected computer.

guys day out with my son who is becoming a young man.  Our first non-animated movie in a theater today, and we both laughed at the same parts.  We have crossed into a new phase of life.

and these are just the experiences that I am liberty to disclose here.  There were a few other events that were significant that I won't be blogging about.  I think I have tasted the full range of what God offers us on earth in the past few days.

 
 

This is my first post to my new blog.  I have created a complimentary website, which is still under construction.  The goal of this blog and website is to provide my thoughts and reflections from my wide array of professional and personal experiences and interests.  I will update it with some reviews of movies and the occasional book or article.  My interests include psychology, culture (in general), and the church.  Visit the website in the future to find out more about my multiple jobs and services, which will give some context for my reflections.